FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, JOHN HARBAUGH, SAVE ME!!!

I never thought I'd catch myself cheering for the Baltimore Ravens, but this weekend, I'm donning the black and purple and lighting a candle for Lamar Jackson.

Please, John Harbaugh, borrow some of your brother's tacky khakis for good luck, make sure your defense takes their vitamins, run out of that tunnel with your hair on fire and bitch slap the Kansas City Chiefs for me this weekend!

What's my problem with the Kansas City Chiefs, you ask? Why do I have it in for a team that's located exactly 1,838 miles from my hometown? Oh, I dunno... maybe that's the problem. Even though they're homefield is a 27 hour drive away from my house, I keep getting this "they are every-goddam-where-I-look-and-I-can't-get-away-from-their-ever-present-mugshots-staring-down-on-me-and-trying-to-sell-me-everything-from-car insurance-to-country-music" vibe. Is that fair? So, I'm just gonna say right now what everyone else is thinking... GO AWAY KANSAS CITY CHIEFS!!!

I used to simply be sick and tired of seeing Patrick Mahomes, Travis Kelce, and "The Walrus" Andy Reid everywhere I looked on TV. But now, I'm way past that. I feel like they're following me. Everywhere I go, around every street corner, from every window they're peering out at me, trying to sell me soup, or shampoo, encouraging me to get the jab. i feel like maybe I should take out a restraining order on the entire team. Stay 1000 feet away from me at all times, creeps!

Don't get me wrong, I didn't used to be a hater. I loved watching Mahomes and Kelce on the field. They are two of the best in the NFL, bar none. And Reid is a coaching genius. He was in the "Best Coach Who's Never Won A Superbowl" category for over a decade and I used to empathize with him and cheer for him to finally break through. My, oh my, did he ever break through!

Nowadays, my slight irritation for these guys has turned to outright hatred. Taylor Swift was the final nail in my Kansas City Coffin. Kansas City games have become less about football and more about teen-pop culture. The announcers have definitely been given the pre-game speech regarding where the money concerns lay, "Oh, look! After our seventeenth 15 minute commercial break, let's pan away from the game once more and see what Taylor Swift is up to! Who's in the booth with her this week? Is that Lil Nasty Baby Gun? We're told that there

are over 700 million Swifties watching the game today. How exciting! Do you see that brown thing on the field, Swifties? That's a football. It's sometimes called a pigskin, but don't worry, no baby pigs were harmed in making that ball. Now, look up from your phones for a second and watch the insurance salesman throw the football to Travis Kelce. Travis is Taylor's boyfriend this week. Run, Travis, Run! Oh no, he dropped the ball. That's a bad thing, Swifites. I guess Travis should worry more about practicing football and less about podcasting..."

Other than the fact that I can't get away from you annoying people, there's something else that bothers me about you. You're trying to pretend that you're just like me.

Don't get me wrong, I'm a died-in-the-wool capitalist and I'm glad you've turned your talents into a lucrative career. But please stop pretending that you're just like me. You're making 20 million dollars per commercial, I ride a bike to work because I can't afford to buy a car.

Now that you're on top, everything you do succeeds automatically. Perfume. Clothing Lines. Personally Branded Liquor. Podcasts. It's all going to work out for you. I'll be lucky to get 20 people to read this post, let alone get someone to sponsor it. We are not the same.

And while the average American struggles to make $30,000 a year, you just keep raking in millions upon millions upon millions while pretending you're just the boys and girls next door, promoting the lie, so we'll keep consuming your products. When is enough going to be enough? At some point, the word "greed" and an unhealthy appetite for hoarding wealth has got to factor into your life outlook. My feeling is, you passed that point a long time ago.

Maybe you'll donate a million here or there to some charity and your agents will put together a press conference and call you a hero, but you ain't sharing any of your money with me or the millions of fans who got you where you are today, are you? But hey, we're exactly the same. Hard working, humble, charitable Americans. Buy some insurance. Eat some soup. Listen to my girlfriend's music...

I'm calling bullshit and I'm sick of seeing greedy faces everywhere I look encouraging me to contribute to your already bloated bank accounts. My plan from here on out is to avoid like the plague any items you're currently selling. It's the least I can do. I'm vowing to spend what little money I do have on people who actually ARE just like me; hard working, humble, charitable Americans.

Capitalism gone insane? It's time we "shake it off", people.

Dan

P.S., Below is one of Taylor Swift's 8 multi-million dollar mansions. She's just like you and me and needs us to keep buying her products so she can purchase mansions number 9 and 10. Just a humble American girl trying to eke out a living...