MIND-BLOWING ORGASMS: The Gift That Keeps On Giving

I’m not sure how to start this particular subject without just jumping in. Funny enough, that’s one of my best foreplay lines when “sexy time” comes around, if ya know what I mean…

I was scrolling through YouTube when a headline jumped out at me, “GIVE HER MIND-BLOWING ORGASMS!!!”

Ever the curious scroller, and intrigued by the thumbnail image of an attractive  woman seemingly having a “mind-blowing” time as the top of a man’s head was just barely visible in the picture, I dove into this 15 minute documentary with a certain amount of gusto.

Turns out it was mostly clickbait. As a typical man, I’m looking to solve life’s little problems quickly and efficiently. I was hoping for information that would approximate “3 steps to adjusting your 4-barrel carb’s air/fuel mixture”, or “how to train your puppy to use a pee pad”.

According to the video, providing the average woman with a mind-blowing orgasm is somewhat more complicated.

This might explain why, in the past, I've heard certain phrases mumbled in bed such as, "You're doing it wrong", "Shit, just stop", and "Christ will come before I do."

Now as a man, I’m acutely aware of how a woman can provide ME with a mind-blowing orgasm. All she has to do is glance somewhere near the vicinity of my crotch, whisper something sexy like, “How ‘bout those Dodgers?” and I’m halfway there. Finish me off with a quick rub and tug, and 30 seconds later, I’m snoring like a baby with a contented smile on my face. 

If only women were such creatures… But, sadly… not so much. 

So, here’s the gist of this woman’s advice on providing your woman with a mind-blowing orgasm.

First, you have to start early. Let her warm up to the idea of receiving pleasure. Apparently, as a woman, you would never want your lover to just offer you pleasure on the spur of the moment. That’s no good. You need to warm up to the idea of a good time.

So, maybe you send her a flirtatious text at lunch time. Hint around that she’s the light of your life, even if she isn’t. Hell, ESPECIALLY if she isn’t!

She has to get the thought of YOU rolling around in her mind for at least 6 to 60 hours before she’s good and warmed up for a pleasurable time. It would actually be best if you could invent a time machine, go back 10 years, hang out on a street corner she’s known to pass by, and tell her cryptically, “Hey, in 10 years, I want to give you a mind-blowing orgasm. You may need to warm up to that idea starting right now.” Then disappear and wait the ordained amount of time for her to warm up.

OK, back to reality. So, you’ve texted, sent her flowers, cards, candies, etc., and it’s your birthday. Let’s pretend she’s warmed up now. Is it time to jump on her? No. It is not. She’s only warmed up to the idea of her lover providing her pleasure. She’s nowhere near “mind-blowing” orgasm territory yet.

So, what’s the next step in fixing this carburetor… I mean... providing a mind blowing orgasm? It’s all about Mood. You have to set the mood. Soft candle light, maybe a bubble bath, some weird-ass music from a gay fucker like Ed Sheeran or Kenny G. The gayer, the better. If your woman gets turned on by Kid Rock or Johnny Cash, hold on to that one, you’ve found a keeper!

After the mood is set, you need to encourage your woman that she’s the sexiest thing God ever created. Even if she’s not. ESPECIALLY if she’s not! Let’s face facts, you’re no prize either, so let’s just work with what we’ve got here, m’kay?

After she’s resigned herself to being pleasured by her lover, you need to begin kissing. Kissing needs to last roughly 30 minutes to 30 hours. You need to kiss every part of her body before even thinking about the va-jay-jay. You may want to get a medical dictionary and look up each and every tiny little part of the human anatomy in order to kiss that part before ever getting even remotely near the vicinity of the va-jean. I’m talking spleen-kissing here, folks.

Alright, so you started at 6:00 PM and it’s now 1 o’clock in the morning and you’re almost done kissing. Once both your lips have grown numb and are slightly bloodied, your back aches, and sweat is dripping from every pore of your body, you'll know you're getting near the time to move on to step 3. it’s finally time to address the Hoo-Hah.

Lemme tell you one thing about the Hoo-Hah gents, CLITORIS. The Bean. The Love Button. The little man at the front of the boat. Learn it, Live it. Lick it. 

BUT NOT YET! God no! She’s not ready for that! You can’t just jump into things. You have to gently kiss and lick and breathe softly upon every part of her Coochie that is NOT her clitoris. This lets her warm up to the idea of finally getting pleasure from the person who works 80 hours a week to support her.

Once you’ve gone in circles around the Honey Pot for 45 minutes or so, she may finally give in to the sheer horror of the idea of receiving pleasure from someone who would take a bullet for her if someone broke into the house, and now it’s time to slowly, and I mean slowly, introduce yourself to the Devil’s Doorbell.

Now, here’s where it gets tricky. Apparently, every woman is different, so every piece of advice given in this YouTube video may be a complete waste of time. Some women don’t like any of what was mentioned. Other women like only some of it. Some ladies may like it one day but not the next. Others might like it for a while but the routine gets old and may need “shaken up”. 

But fear not! The lady who created the video has another video FOR SALE that teaches you the “inner secrets” to completely satisfying your woman. And hey, you better buy it, because you know damn well that your neighbor Randy did, and he’s been looking over the fence lately with a knowing smile on his face…

The ultimate takeaway I got from this mini-documentary was, even if you can’t provide a mind-blowing orgasm for your woman because she has sex-related issues, has a headache, had a bad day, wishes you were someone else, already had sex with someone else, doesn’t know who you are, etc., whatever the reason you can’t provide a woman with a mind-blowing orgasm, don’t feel bad. It’s probably not your fault… or it’s totally your fault. One of the two.

The key thing in any relationship is communication, and you know damn well the average girl is not gonna communicate this issue in any meaningful way to you. It's going to be up to you to magically KNOW about her every want or need, or to at least take your best guess.

She's much too kind to criticize your clumsy boudoir technique. After a while she'll simply avoid sex with you like it's a Jehovah's Witness with Covid, get lost in a romance novel, or kindly ghost you for someone who truly knows how to ring her bell.

Me, I'm just happy to be in the game. When coach taps me on the shoulder and says, "It's GO TIME!" I'll jump right in there with the best intentions, but with the game of a pure bench-warming backup. I like to think that what I lack in skill, I make up for with sheer exuberance. "First one done wins!" I happily exclaim, as the object of my affection rolls her eyes and continues with her romance novel.

I glance at the cover of the book and see an image of a man I could never be holding a perfectly beautiful woman in the prime of her life, both traveling to places and doing things we mere mortals can neither afford or dream of.

And y’all wonder why men would rather work on carburetors…

I better get out now before I get the book thrown at me!

See ya next time,

Doc Dan